Friday, July 18, 2008

No, actually, that is NOT funny...

A few nights ago at bedtime, I was in the bathroom performing my evening ablutions. The household routine developed involves my BabyDaddy taking over Infant control duties for a few minutes before I go to bed, giving me time to, say, extract my contact lenses and/or pee. It's a magical few minutes of peace and quiet.
This evening however, not so much with the 'quiet' part. The Infant was in her Le Terrible mood, one of my least favorites. So handing her over was a mercy. The Hubble was doing a good job managing, working his way through the List of Needs - food? nope, not interested - and was on number 2, which, coincidentally is about Number 2 (& Number 1).
Now all this is going on outside my visual tracking range. I'm able to get a rough lock on location thanks to Infant shrieks and the Doppler effect, but otherwise, blissfully out of the loop. So I'm pretty sure they are in the bedroom and she is unamused. I hear some snippets of Infant/Hubble conversation (he adorably attempts to reason with her - so preciously misguided!), a bit of minor thumping, the tapering of infant hollering, then laughter. She's 4 months so I know it's not coming from her.
Said laughter increases. So of COURSE I have to ask...'what's so funny in there?' Pause, additional laughter. 'Hello? what's the amusement source? Do share - I could use a giggle...'

The Hubble responds, "I don't think you are going to find this nearly as amusing as I do", the Infant is now cooing happily. I, on the other hand am growing increasingly concerned.

'What exactly are you thinking I won't find funny? Be precise please'
I talk and walk simultaneously (no easy feat in my current stage of exhaustion)
On arriving in the bedroom I find a grinning husband and a happy baby, and no obvious reasons for concern - other then the look on his face. 'What happened?'

The Hubble shares, "well, she wasn't hungry, so I went to check her diaper, and sure enough it was wet. So I left her on the bed and ran to get another one from the nursery. Right when I got back she curled her little legs up and peed all over the place! Isn't that funny?!"

I am confused. This must be a guy thing - they seem to find elimination amusing somehow. Even my normally very enlightened spousal unit giggles maniacally at fart jokes.
'Um, I guess its funny. I mean, so she got her diaper wet... I'm not sure I see the humor really.'

The Hubble begins chortling, "Oh no I took her diaper off when I left to get her a new one. I was only going to be gone for a second..."

WHAT?!? You left her sitting on our bed with a naked butt?! That's like leaving a loaded gun lying around!! That's just MADNESS!!
I don't say this though, because realization is beginning to dawn...
'So wait...if there wasn't a diaper.... do you mean she peed on the BED?!'

Much mirth from the Hubble, "Yeah!! And even funnier - it's on your side!! Ha ha ha ha ha a haaa! Woo! Isn't that Funny?!?"


No that is not the LEAST bit funny, in fact. Again, I did not say this, mainly because I'd lost the power of speech. My EXPRESSION however, said a great deal...
"What? It's FUNNY! All those cute stories about babies peeing places and whatnot - we finally have one! it's cute!"

'Its on my side of the bed.'

"Well yeah, but that's no big deal."

'No big deal to YOU! It's not on YOUR side!!!'

At this point the Hubble was beginning to sense danger. He's sharp like that. What he never really calculated into the Har-dee-har-har equation, is that right now, this wet spot is between me and sleep. And I need sleep. I mean, I REALLY REALLY NEED sleep. Like a junkie needs heroin kinda need. And this piddle pool is in the way of a nice juicy pile of zzzzzzs.

"Well it's not THAT wet, we can just put a towel over it or something"

A 'man solution' if I've EVER heard one.

OK, no. 1) we have no clean towels anywhere in the house since I haven't done laundry since it seems like the Reagan administration. The only cleanish towel in the house is the one I'm using in my bathroom, so if we put THAT over it, I get to dry off with pee tomorrow morning, OR not shower after having slept in pee. Both = Suboptimal. 2) I'm one of those 'can't stand to have rumpled sheets' folks - call me the Princess and the Pee-pee, but no way I could sleep with a big lumpy urine soaked towel under me all night. I sum this up in a coherent a way as possible.

Hubble offers solution 2 - "Let's switch sides!" Considering the number of plugs, books, & sleep accessories that he must have at arms length, plus all the various nighttime Infant care caca on MY side, swapping all this would be at *least* a 30 minute process. 30 minutes in which I could be SLEEPING. Did I mention that I need sleep?

At this point, the Hubble begins to sulk.
"well, I think you are being difficult - I've suggested a couple of perfectly good suggestions and you have rejected them both - I'm just out of ideas."

I grit my teeth to keep the expletives from spewing out.
'Just..... help..... me...... change..... the...... sheet......'

Lest you be confused, no - I hadn't washed a load of sheets or anything like that. No, mercifully and miraculously, I had just *bought* a set of sheets at Target, cause, well, it's Target. While I am sure they are covered with sweatshop manufacturing filth, they are, at least, dry. The mattress cover is, of course, soaked as well, and in my exhausted haze I manage to find a kitchen towel in the 'donate' box to sop up the remaining Infant excretions.
Net this fix took 20 minutes. TWENTY perfectly good minutes of sleep WASTED. But still, 10 less than if we'd switched sides, so yay for that!

A few days later, the Hubble told this very story to his dad, albeit with a slightly different spin. *He* of course found it HI-larious. Ho ho ho, hee hee hee, they tittered together. So amused by the Infants shenanigans. How very droll. She peed! How ADORABLE! I did note, however, that The Hubble did NOT tell said story to his MOM. Which to me proves that deep in his testosterone laden heart, he knows....


Anonymous said...

It's always funny when it happens to someone else.

brooxi said...

ohhhhhhhhh NOT FUNNY at all!!!